30 Apr Faking Orgasms 101
“I expereinced my first internal orgasm when I was 28 with a man i was having an affair with while I was married.”
Woah! What a wild truth to put into words.
My whole life I had been intrigued by and drawn to sexuality and my own journey of exploring it. I remember masturbating at the ripe olf age of 7 and teaching all of my friends about this wonderful new part of my body I had discovered, how it feels and how they can do the same! I literally used to bring my girl friends into the bathroom cubicles during lunchtime and show them how to masturbate. Giving them homework and checking in on them to see how their exploration journey was going.
This sexual exploration led me to discovering porn and my romantic facination with intimacy and love found through sex scenes in rom coms. This created very unrealistic fantasies about sex and love and what it should look like. There would be some romantic interlude that would quickly turn into a pleasurable sexcapade where the woman would, also very quickly, climax multiple times, eventually leading to the Man cumming and the scene would come to an end with some cuddling and caressing in bed with an ‘I love you’ look in the eye.
It was all very romatic and idealistic however when I lost my virginity at 17 I was very surprised that the boy i lost it with didnt fall in love with me and we didn’t live happily ever after.
Like most of us, I experienced something that wasn’t of the romantic bedroom scenes portrayed in movies and definitely wasn’t feeling pleasure the way I saw women enjoying it in movies and porn.
My conclusion was a very unconscious but one along the lines of‘i’m not good at this. There’s something wrong with me. I’m going to mimic what i’ve seen through these ‘sex eduction’ platforms because that’s what I know sex should look like’ Sound familiar?
Most of my interactions with men involved me looking to them for love.I know this stems from a larger issue of accpetace, approval and issues i’ve now resolved from my childhood but when I was first exploring this sex thing, I had it all mixed up and somehow believed that sex and love where one of the same.
From my very limited and very unrealistic sexual education, I quickly leanrt the art of ‘faking it’ and having sex in a way that became all about the ‘goal’ of the man enjoying himselrf to the point of ejaculation. Once he had ejaculated, I would feel like I did my job ‘right’ as that was my limited perscpetion of how sex was meant to be done.
Experiencing intimacy in this way from the get go was very normal for me and since i was so focused on my partners pleasure experience, I was not at all focused on mine and became very robotic and very good at giving and very VERY good at faking orgasms as a result.
I didn’t want my partners to feel like there was something wrong with them so I would ‘fake it’
I didn’t dare to explore or dive deeper into the reson why i wasn’t feeling much and like there was something wring with me…so…. I would ‘fake it’. I knew how to stimulate my clitoris and bring myself to orgasm so during sex, knowing this, I would ‘fake it’. I read many articles of other women who couldn’t orgasm through sex and labeled myself as one of them so….I would ‘fake it’. I didn’t know how to talk about it without making it seem like there was something wrong with me, so….. I would ‘fake it’.
Again….any of this sound familiar??
Now, being the very sexual creature that I am, there was a part of me that knew there was more to intimacy, sex, pleasure and connection than what I was experiencing.
“I had unconsciously been intruiged and drawn to sexuality and spirituality for as long as I remembered, until one day I found out that it had a name…….Tantra!”
My first encounter with Tantra was in Kerala, India, where I was completing part of my Ayurvedic studies and one of the other students was a Tantrica. She gifted me an Oshobook that i fipped through on occasion but later on in my journey, this book rocked my world and shook my limiting beliefs around sexuality and was the catalyst for a big shift.
Finding myself in a long term relationship that turned into a beautiful marriage, I felt safe enough to explore this topic more and was determined to find a way to experience more pleasure and fulfilment sexually, Together and alone. I found a Lingam massage course in my hometown of Perth and came home with some new fun tools to try out on my hubby to create more of a sexual ‘spark’ in our relationship. Craving more, I signed us up for one on one classes with a Tantric teacher who watched us sit in Yab Yum together as we ‘rode the wave’ and awkwardly eye gazed which would always result in tears and me feeling confused as to why I couldn’t sit with this simple exercise of looking into his eyes.
Being the extremest and research nazi that I am, I continued my self eductaion around Tantra, reached out to teachers, tried different practices and the dots started connecting. My connection with my body started making more sense and the connection with myself and the rest of the world follwed and intensified. A pleasure filled life….I was hooked!!
Unfortunately the sexual chemistry and connection with the man I married was always a challenge for me. When I began diving deeper into Tantra, my connection with myself and my own pleasure, coupled with moving to Bali and finding a tribe of people I could relate to like never before, enabled me to get caught up in pleasure in a bit of a destrictive way. One night after Ecstatic Dance at the Yoga Barn, I locked eyes with a man my gut told me to stay away from. Of course, I didn’t and to cut a long story short, I ened up sleeping with him, cheating on my husband and experincing my first orgasms through penetration all in one night. This night changed my life FOREVER.
This part of my story will be a blog post of its own and since this post is about faking orgasms, i will do my best to stay on track with the subject at hand.
I very quickly became both fascinated and addicted to these new found orgasms that I beleievd for so long I couldmn’t expereince and my husband even noticed the change in me. I remember my hubby saying to me one day ‘I dont know if it’s your new group of friends or us being in Bali but you are so much happier than i’ve ever seen you. Whatever it is you are doing, keep doing it’
Of course, I took that literally and as a justification to continue this affair and exploring my new found orgasmic potential.
Since the breakdown of my marrige and realizing that this other man was yet another catalyst for a bigger change and shift in me, I haven’t faked an orsagm since.
So….what was it that changed? What was the factor that allowed me to experience vaginal orgasms wothout faking it with this man over all the others I had been intimate with throughout my sexual life?
There are many layers to this answer and i’m going to start at the beginning. When i first started diving into the big wide world of Tantra and embondiment, I was working with my body in a whole new way. MYY!!! Meditation, Yoga and a Yoni egg practice!These 3 tools were the start of the shift for me. I know it sounds a bit woo woo however adding these practices to my daily life helped me to create a strong sense of embodiment and awareness of myself.
The Meditation helped my mind with grounding, presence and the flexibility to not get caught up in stories and controlling. Yoga created a deep sense of appreciation of my body, allwing me to feel into it and becoming more aware of the subtle physical and energetic sensations. My Yoni eggpractice was a huge game changer. Creating sensitivity inside my vagina, awakening the dormant energies and releasing blockages I had been holding onto in this area in regards to sexual shame and represion. MMY – Meditation, Yoga and Yoni egg practive were the tools that unlocked my inner wild and my vaginal orgasms!
As a result of these practices, I became more confident, created deep self love and respect for my body, was able to release control during intimacy and it enabled me to build a real connection that opened me up to a world of feeling my body. Being aware of the feelings, pleasure, pain, discomfort that I felt arise in sexual situations specifically and since I had already embarked on the path, the only way forward, was through!
Working with this orgasmic energy, I continued to explore myself and developed a strong self pleasure practice so that I could continue awakening my own pleasure, access different states of consciousness and maintain the pleasure awakening that I had begun to experinece. Becoming slightly obsessed with my transformation from believing I was ‘one of those women who couldn’t have an orgasm through sex’ to now being a woman who is able to orgasm while laying on the ground in stillness has led me to this moment of writing this article.
The work that is ultimately who I am, is a testiment to all women!!
There are so many myths areound sexuality and specifically around the topic of orgasm. I KNOW that if you are a woman and you have a vagina, you CAN experience vaginal orgasms (many different types) through penetration and self pleasure.
It feels liberating to speak openly about this topic as I know that many women experience the need to satisfy men without looking at our own pleasure and exploration.
From my orgasmic self to yours <3